Day By Day

Stand back and watch me glow...........literally

2007-10-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, on to the radiation super highway! I have made sure to put the steel belted radials on the old jalopy because I am off on another adventure and I better make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I can't say I am scared, I'm not but ya know if is getting a little tough doing these trips without a road map.

So they are going to shoot gamma radiation through my body, yeah well I guess I have been shot with worse but those stories are for the xx rated blog I plan to write one day!!! I figure I will really suck at hide and seek for the next 5 weeks or so. What the hell it won't be the first thing I suck at and it won't be the last! I think a nice green glow to my skin will only accentuate the beautiful fall colors around me! The way I see it this is a win win situation.

Seriously though, I am told the side effects won't be too bad, I will hope and trust that is true. It is only 5 weeks and they don't expect any side effects to be long lasting. If this kills any and all of the cancer bitch left inside me then I say "hey Mr. Radiation man, take no prisoners!"

I hope this blog finds all of the people who read it well, I am always thinking of all of you and sending positive energy!

Peace

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!

Look at my face, ain't this a smile?

2007-09-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I have been tagged by Mike S. That doesn't mean he marked me and now tracks me in the wild, it means I have to tell you guys 8 interesting things about myself. That shouldn't be hard!!!!! (can you sense the sarcasm in my voice?)

I haven't done this blog thing for a while. I should first let you all know I am still fighting the good fight and so far so good. I have left blogging basically because sometimes it makes me feel silly. I got to the point where I started to think, who the hell cares what I am doing in my life, we all have lives, right?? We all have shit going on, what makes me think I am so important that others would have the need, want or desire to read about mine. If my opinion ever changes, I will let you all know. Just know I do keep up with everyone elses blogs, if not then I wouldn't be doing this. OK, OK enough of my bullshit, on the the 8 things about ME!

1. Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

2. I have carried around a marble with me for good luck since I was 13 years old.(My friend Rose gave it to me)

3. I think that having children is the best thing I have ever done in my life!

4. Since December of 1999, my shoe size has dropped down a half size!

5. I am gentle by nature and that surprises people???

6. It makes me sad that #5 is such a true statement. It hurts me to know that people don't automatically see that I am a lover not a fighter and I would do just about anything to make the people in my life happy.

7. I am allergic to cats and rabbits and apple skin, I own a cat and apples are my favorite fruit. I don't have a bunny but someone did give me a lucky rabbits foot once (not too lucky for the rabbit I suppose)

8. I hate unfinished business, I hate the unknown even more. If you want to make me happy, tell me what is on your mind. I am a big girl and I can handle disappointment, so if I know the truth I am happy and can work out any differences.

*bonus feature: I was in the movie Rocky II and I took a slap shot on the practice ice with the Philadelphia Flyers and I ended up flat on my ass!

HEY BEK, TAG YOUR IT!!

Stand back and watch me shine!

To Clarify

2007-06-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

I may have babbled on a bit with my last post and what I was trying to say got lost in translation, so to speak.

Basically I've wrapped myself up in my own catch 22. I was bound and determined to do this all on my own. Not to say that I don't need anyone because trust me, without all of my family and friends, the support everyone gives me is more valuable than anyone can imagine, I would not be mentally or physically strong enough to pull this off.

So now that this has been going on for a year, I looked back and find myself feeling alone, not necessarily in my life but in my battle, if that makes any sense. You would think that when a person is told they have cancer, whether it is curable or not, they would live their life differently. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I just don't know how to do that and I have complicated things further by being so stubbornly independent as far as walking a lot of this journey alone, by choice.

What am I supposed to do? Become an adrenaline junky and jump out of an airplane, climb Mt. Everest, do some other life altering thing so I can prove I've lived? My thought on that is, why put the life I am trying so hard to save at risk? When this happened to me, I figured it this way, I am able to get out of bed everyday and I feel pretty good, so I go to work to help provide for my family. I try to listen more than be heard, I observe, I say what I think but I try to think before I say it. I enjoy the song I hear playing on the radio and yes, if I really like it I do turn it up too loud (hell I am a Who fan, what is too loud anyway???)

My prior post was a momentarily lapse for me. I approached an anniversary, I thought I would be at a totally different place a year after my diagnosis and I wasn't so I got filled up with self doubt and pity. I then expressed this to a few people in my life and I didn't get the feedback I was hoping for, not that I know what I wanted I just know I didn't get it????

What it comes down to is I am thankful that people can treat me normally, they don't see me as a cancer patient (in the stereotypical sense) that is what I want so I have to be thankful that that is what I have. When I get to a point where I feel sorry for myself and I need some extra love and support then I have to be open about that too. I just fear that if I show weakness I will become weak. See there I go again, putting a wall up around my own solution. Just as everything else in life this is very confusing and I think I will just go in living life each day, appreciating the beautiful blue clouds in the sky on a sunny day, the corny jokes my 7 year old tells, listening to the trials and tribulations of my teenagers and all the other daily occurrences in my life. I just have to remember to breathe in and out everyday and before I know it this journey will end and another will begin.

It was one year ago today!

2007-06-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

That I started this journey. Well one good thing, I'm still here!!! I feel about the same as I did then too, nothing has really changed all that much. I began thinking about this last night, I remembered back to that day, when I got the call from my doctor. I was alone, no husband, mom or best friend to hold my hand and support me when I got the devistating news. I was alone. In many ways I wanted it that way, the less I talked or even thought about it then maybe the less I thought it could be true, that's called denial, right??

People say to me all the time "You look great"; "you would never know you are going through this". In some ways I like hearing that, in others it is a curse. I have set myself up to be the super hero, that I am not. Funny because I see this disease as a weakness that has eaten away at my strength, the person I was, my sexuality, my sense of humor and my faith. I wonder everyday if I will get back the things I have lost, do I really want them back? Do I embrace this new person I have become, in the eyes of others a super hero; in my own eyes weak and diseased? I suppose there has to be a middle ground between the way I see myself and the way others see me, I just wonder if anyone knows that person and if so can you introduce her to me. I just hope there is someone out there who has seen right through the super hero persona I have put up and the weak diseased person I feel I am. I want to be strong, I know I can be strong, I rarely allow myself to be weak but I need to find balance as I go forward on this journey, I feel very alone even with all the support I get from my family and friends, that is a bed I have made but as I sit here typing I am refusing more and more to lie in it.

Don't worry though, I am OK, really I am just thinking out loud wondering how a disease that makes me feel so different inside and out doesn't really show to anyone around me? I suppose it is a comfort to them that I can be as independent as I have ever been and still have cancer, that way it isn't in there face every time I see them. I want people (especially my children) to feel that comfort as I fight this disease that way their positive energy only charges me. I guess I just want someone who knows me to tell me it is OK to feel weak every once in a while, that someone else will carry the load for a little while.

Pity party over, Meg lifts her world back up on her shoulder and changes the batteries in the light so you can.........

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!

Meg

The little things.............

2007-06-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

As I read the comments from my last post, I realized how something so mundane to one person can be monumental to another. Yes, it is true, this past Saturday, I went to get a HAIRCUT!!! I know what your thinking, actually, I didn't think much of it either. I was talking to the hairdresser and telling her that I had had chemo and I wanted to cut the ends off of my hair to make is less fuzzy, the first hair that grows back is very soft. I joked with her and said yes, this is my first haircut (with this hair) and she kind of looked at me with this very genuine smile and said "Thank you for letting me be the first to cut your new hair". Only then did I realize the significance of the moment. Different milestones on our journey, some pass us by unnoticed and some leave their mark.

I had my second infusion today and I have a week left of the oral drugs for this cycle then a week off and God willing after that I will start and finish my last cycle. Fingers crossed!

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!!

Meg

Seeing right through me.....

2007-06-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

Literally! Yesterday I went to my doctor and he had the results of my repeat CT. He was quite pleased with the results. Apparently, I had a small spot on my pelvis that was developing into a problem. No longer a problem as it is gone and the bone is sclerosed(which I am told means healed) so that is a good thing. The lymph nodes in my clavicle area that were involved are also free and clear now. I have a bugger of a lymph in my chest that they are trying to shrink so I can have radiation to eradicate the damn thing all together. Well that has shrunk. So as far as I can tell the score is Meg + Chemo 1, Cancer 0.

So I have agreed to do two more cycles of my current chemotherapy to shrink the field even more and then radiation, in about 5 weeks. Hopefully, that will do it and I can be free of the big C. I will remain optimistically cynical as always as I don't want to put the cart before the horse.

Just know things are looking good! (That is as positive as I am going to get right now!!)

Stand Back and Watch Me Shine!

Mixed Signals

2007-05-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

So I started my third cycle of chemo this past Monday. I asked a bunch of questions this week. The first time I had chemo I was told not to eat any raw fruit or veggies, almost immediately I started craving grapes! Go figure. So I asked my new oncologist why he didn't tell me not to eat uncooked foods and he said he doesn't believe that it poses a risk to me. At that moment, my undeniable urge to eat grapes left me! He says I can wear jewelry (it was recommended that I not at my last doctors office), I can eat whatever my heart desires (within reason) I can workout and I can dye my hair! I keep losing weight, I think their scale is off because I don't see it but I see what it says every week, they aren't happy with me about that, I really don't have an appetite especially since the desire for grapes has left me!

My WBC (white blood count) is low, I almost didn't have treatment this week because of it, I think I have to rest a little more and have a good, stern talkin' to with my bone marrow! I don't feel any different but the count is low. Hopefully, next week it will rebound and I will sail through and complete round three of my new treatment. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that during my off week of this cycle I am going to have my repeat CT, if is shows that the chemo is working then I can start radiation. If that happens, I will actually be able to see light at the end of the tunnel! I was very excited by this news, sadly I was the only one. I think my friends and family are becoming skeptics, just what I need now a bunch of doubting Thomas'. Well, my doctor and I are very encouraged and that is all that really matters.

How weird is it that I am actually looking forward to having someone shoot radiation through my body, me the one who doesn't even like to stand too close to the microwave! Again, go figure!!!!

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE (or should I say glow??!!!)

Race for the Cure

2007-05-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Center City Philadelphia and walked in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Me and about 100,000 other people. I am not normally one to do the whole "support group" type thing but this is a little different. It raises money to research the disease I have and many others have so I figure it is a good cause. My girlfriends and I walked and chatted and made distasteful jokes about playing the "cancer card" to pick up men!!! Yes, we are a sick group of individuals but we laugh and that is all that really matters!

What amazed me about the day was how small a world it actually is. As we walked along my, friend Deirdre ran into her sister in law among the thousands of people walking around us. She did not know she would be there. At the end of the race you pass through these corral type lanes to hand in your ticket and the person at the end of my lane was my boss's son! There had to be a 100 different lanes and I passed through that one. After the race we were standing chatting and a group of ladies passed wit a sign that said "Souderton Lacrosse" It was so odd, my son plays on that team and I didn't know the mothers of his teammates were walking. As I looked at there faces they all looked familiar but not as mothers from the team. I approached them and they looked at me as if I had two heads, they said "We aren't from Souderton Lacrosse". Here they recycle the signs and there team name was on the other side! The faces were familiar because they were all woman that my friends and I went to school with that we haven't seen in years! How weird is that!

All in all it was a good day, how nice to see so many people turn out to support a foundation that fights a horrible disease and to celebrate the lives of those who lost their battle to the disease or to give hope and promise to those of us who are still in the fight!! Lots of people shined today!

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!

PS Happy Mother's Day to all!

Long Time No Post

2007-04-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I am well. I went to the University of Pennsylvania for a second opinion and boy did I get several. I don't like pitting doctors against each other but the difference of opinion I got is almost scary. The good news is after speaking with three different oncologists I am in a better place both treatment wise and mental wise. I am doing chemo again, a different form this time, one IV and one oral. It is again a three week cycle but not nearly as hard on my body. I finished the first cycle, I had my crappy days but overall I did OK. I went to work and did all the other things I normally do. I am about to start the second cycle on Monday and I expect more of the same. I will have another CT sometime in June and hopefully I will start radiation soon after that. I may be on chemo on and off for the rest of my life if this treatment doesn't "get it". My current doctor has a patient who has been on and off chemo for the past 21 years and she is doing well. If I can continue to fight the good fight with the help of chemotherapy then I will stay on it. Best case scenario would be for the combination of this new chemo and radiation to cure me. Fingers crossed!

Just so you know, I am doing well. Throughout all this I was able to run around and do Who shows, work and take care of my family so this bitch hasn't got the best of me yet and as far as I am concerned she won't!!! Sound feisty don't I??? ha ha ha

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!!!

Rewind

2007-03-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know, I know it has been a while. I will put my hand out and you can all take a turn slapping it. To be honest, after I had my surgery I was in a big hurry to just reclaim my normal life, even if for just a short period of time. Too short actually.

After waiting a few weeks to heal properly, I was sent for a repeat PET Scan to determine if I had cancer still or again, depending on which doctor you talk to. Well the results are in and I went in to see my oncologist to here the verdict (so to speak). Turns out I am guilty and if my doctor was the judge and jury then I have been condemned to death!!

I still have cancer, after chemo, after surgery I still have activity in my lymph nodes. Now there is some disagreement between my surgeon and my oncologist. The surgeon, a man who I have lots of faith in, tells me that the inflammation in my chest is from healing and it will light up in a PET Scan. The oncologist says it is cancer.

Sitting on the edge of the exam table in the oncologist office waiting to hear what direction my new year will take, I was in no way prepared for what I was going to hear. Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have hardly skipped a beat. I tolerated chemo like a champ, recovered from surgery and was back to work within two weeks. I have a physically demanding job and I still do it without problem. I work out on a regular basis, as a matter of fact as I type this my ass is killing me from squats and lunges. I actually feel great! So when my oncologist says well maybe you have a year, maybe you have three! You need to get your affairs in order, I was taken aback. Way far aback. I felt myself deflate, I felt hope leave me. After speaking with my surgeon about the news he did his best to assure me that there were lots of treatment options out there for me and the fact that the cancer has still not invaded my lungs, liver, and so on is a good thing. He still has hope for me. I plan on fighting, I have way to much to fight for. I have had it easy so far so maybe I need to put forth more of an effort.

I am going to a new oncologist tomorrow, he is affiliated with the University of Pennsylvania Hospital which is a teaching hospital with lots going on. Maybe he will give me some more positive news. It would be nice to hear that remission is a possibility.

When you are told that you should start getting your affairs in order, well lets just say it gets your mind working! Of course you think of the big things, the kids. I won't see any of my kids get married, hell I won't even see the younger two graduate high school. Never getting to see my grand kids doesn't sit well with me either. Then you start thinking of the little, more everyday things, prom dresses, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, making a team, going shopping at the mall. Missing these things is unacceptable to me. I am a control freak and I am losing it like sand through my fist. I am afraid to hope but I am not afraid to fight, to do what it takes to be there for my kids when they feel like celebrating or when the shit hits the fan. So apparently my battle with the big C bitch isn't over, she is going to be damn sorry she messed with me!

Oh and to all my female friends who read this blog, go and get a goddamn mammogram!

Stand back and watch me shine!

The Big Day Came and Went!

2006-12-22T07:10:00.000-08:00

Phase 2 complete!

I had my surgery on December 20, I came home from the hospital on December 21. This is no longer a major surgery. To be honest, hospitals suck and I am glad to be home so quickly. I am not in very much pain, never was actually. I have to watch the way I move but otherwise I am doing very well!

This is funny, maybe all mental but I feel better. It is almost like they cut the cancer out of me and I don't have to work as hard to fight it inside so I feel better, not that I ever really felt bad but I guess in a way I did. This is hard to explain but it makes perfect sense to me.

Next stop the Radiation Super Highway!

Still fighting the good fight!

Stand Back and Watch Me Shine!

The Big Day Approaches

2006-12-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

In 36 hours time I will have surgery, it is time.

I am ready for this, I don't want to have cancer any more.

I will be changed for life, no longer whole.

When it is over and I am able I will let everyone know how I did.

If you don't see an update soon, assume things didn't go well!! ha ha ha

I will be just fine,

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!!

Port Free

2006-11-01T15:34:00.000-08:00

I am one step closer to being a normal human being again! I got my port removed today. It was far simpler having it removed then having it put in I can tell you. The surgeon who put it in and took it out felt I was having so much trouble with it since I had it put in because my body was fighting it since she installed it. It was pretty cool watching her remove it. She numbed me, then made a small incision, maybe about an inch and a half long, removed the internal sutures and just yanked it out. It didn't bleed much and she closed the incision with 5 stitches, advised me to use vitamin E on it after the stitches come out next week.

I all ready feel better, do you think that is a mental thing?

Stand Back and Watch Me Shine!

Phase One - Completed

2006-10-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a long 16 weeks that to some seems to have passed by rather quickly. I haven't really thought about it, I am just glad it is done! Yes, if you haven't guessed, I finished Chemo today! I am so happy that this is done. Going in I had no idea what to expect but I have to say the nurses there prepared me for the worst. What I got was the best. Treatment on time, no missed cycles, no delays. Very few side affects and it seems to have made a pretty big difference. In other words, it did it's job. My cancer has diminished considerably.

I want to take this time to thank everyone for their support and love. I could not have done this without all the positive energy being sent on a regular basis.

Next stop - surgery. Not nearly as damaging to the body but surly more of an emotional aspect that I will have to deal with.

Stand back and watch me shine!

I Don't Get It?

2006-10-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

Recently, on a Community Board I read, someone posted a link to a site that displayed photographs of women in various stages of breast cancer. This site was showing the photographs submitted for a photography contest to draw attention to the fact that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month (personally I am aware of it every month!)! Now don't get me wrong the photographs are very tastefully done, artistic, beautiful and thought provoking. I just don't get it?

Since I was diagnosed with this disease, yes I said it, breast cancer is a disease, I have done nothing but mentally and physically tried to kill it and the more successful I am at that the happier I am. It seems to me that Breast Cancer is glorified in ways. I can't tell you how many magazines, calendars and other publicly displayed photographs I have seen of scars on a womans chests where her breasts used to be, a woman posing with a bald head, even reconstructed breasts get their fair share of the attention. You know what none of that is attractive! You can't say a person looks at one of those pictures and says "Wow she's beautiful, I wish I was her"! If you are going to go this way with breast cancer, why not with others diseases/maladies? What month is National Amputee Month, honestly, would you buy a calendar with 12 months of photos of people with missing appendages? I doubt it. Exactly when is Colon Cancer going to get it's dues? Photos of people showing their abdominal scar, holding a length of diseased bowel that was resected from their gut and to top it off their new colostomy stoma! Not nearly as glamorous???

Yes, make people, especially those with breasts aware of the great importance of self examination, mamograms and regular doctor visits. Those things are the only way to prevent breast cancer, which is what every woman wants to do! Don't make the disease out to be some fantastical journey that makes a woman stronger and more powerful. I can list a million things I would have had happen to me to make me stronger, trust me breast cancer didn't even make the list! People think a woman can pose for a photo like that because she is so strong from her journey, the fact of the matter is the only reason she can pose like that is because she is used to seeing herself that way and once you get used to it you adjust, as you would if you lost an arm or a leg. I feel many of these companies Este Lauder, Proctor and Gamble and Johnson and Johnson to name a few, glorify this disease to ultimately turn a profit. I know, I know my cynicism is showing but I can't help it. Yes, stress the importance of prevention, even more so donate money to help develop a cure for the damn disease but please don't make it out to be some kind of gift that a woman gets that magically seems to make her strong and powerful because nothing could be further from the truth. The first thing every woman diagnosed with breast cancer becomes is scared and just because she gets used to all the things that happen to her in the process that fact never goes away.

Here is a link to the site that set this rant in motion. In no way do I slight any of the artists or models involved, they do what they do to ultimately draw attention to the disease to educate people, again I just don't get the glorification surrounding it!

http://www.pinkribbonaward.nl/2006/?page_id=139

Stand back and watch me shine!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

2006-09-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

I got Gomer Piled today! I went into the doctors office for what I thought was routine weekly blood work only to find out that I was scheduled for my 5th cycle of chemo today! It got confusing because I rearranged things to go on my Who World trip. I am glad it worked out this way because I have lots of Real World stress at home right now and I was worried about being mentally prepared for my 5th round since the 4th round was sort of rough. They pulled a sneak attack and sometimes the best way to prepare for something like this is to not be prepared at all!

The cycle went just fine, my blood pressure is still a little low 90/52 but they kept pinching me to make sure I'm alive. I am!

One more cycle and I am done!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Over the Hump!

2006-09-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

I had treatment #4 today, I am more then half way done!!! I don't know why the numbers are so important to me but they are. I see light at the end of the tunnel. Well at least for this phase of the treatment anyway! I still have 3 phases after this but let's not get ahead of ourselves!

Treatment today was good, I normally have treatment on Monday but for scheduling reasons on my part and the office part we changed it and it all worked out for the best!

I don't like rehashing the same old thing but it was the same old thing. Only one change, my blood pressure. My highest pressure today was 82/57 and my lowest was 77/50. They were just waiting for me to pass out I think, I felt completely normal, no dizziness, no nothing! The nurses were looking at me like I was crazy! I normally run low (around 90/60) but this was a new low even for me! Otherwise all is well, thank God!

Remember to...........

Stand back and watch me shine!

It has been a week!

2006-08-27T08:20:00.001-07:00

I had treatment this past Monday and boy did I feel it all week. I suppose if there is a fun part to all of this, well fun may be too strong a word. How about I say and interesting part, I have a little mystery on my hands and I have the pleasure of trying to figure it all out, I love a challenge....Why did I feel so crappy this week as opposed to others and is there anything I can do about it? So I am going to do the CSI thing (Who Are You playing in the background) and try to figure out why? In a perfect world I could call on Nick Stokes (George Eads) to be my personal CSI investigator to help me solve this mystery but apparently this isn't a perfect world. I am on my own with this one!

They say as treatment goes on I have more drugs in my system and the side affects get worse. This is a logical explanation but one would think as time goes on they would get gradually worse and not dramatically worse after another treatment.

My main complaint is that my blood sugar is low and my metabolism is high during the first week after treatment. Not a good combination, does all the medicine I take to combat the side effects cause this reaction. During this time I need carbs to keep me from feeling the affects of low blood sugar. I guess that is all well and good but I haven't eaten carbs in almost 2 years and ingesting them now in such quantities is killing my stomach!

I also have had added stress with some changes at home to add to the equation, I haven't been sleeping well.

This is only a week of symptoms and I still work and exercise, I just don't like feeling like I am high all the time, I shouldn't complain but I do, I want to feel right. The strange part is that after a certain amount of days it is like a switch is flipped and I feel normal again just like that, more mystery!

So no closer to an answer, Nick Stokes where are you when I need you? I need these mysteries answered and I wouldn't mind a back rub either!!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Half Way Mark

2006-08-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I had treatment #3 of 6 today. I am officially 1/2 way done treatment. I felt very guilty today, it seemed that every other patient who came in had some problem, or side effect that had them having to either skip or alter their treatment. There I sit no real problems just chugging along. I can't help my heart going out to these people.

Today as I sat being infused, a 70 year old lady who was also getting treatment was telling dirty jokes to her cronies in the corner. This was my favorite:

A young woman was on her honeymoon and she was shocked to find that her new husband had a prosthetic foot. Upon returning home, her mother asked her how the honeymoon went. The girl said I was very surprised to find my husband only had one foot. Her mother said, "You should be grateful, you're father only has 6 inches"!!!

I supposed hearing it out of the mouth of a senior citizen made it all the more funny!

All in all a good treatment.

Stand back and watch me Shine!

Getting Better All The Time

2006-08-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Blood work today, sat in the waiting room for 40 minutes to have a 10 minute blood draw. I don't think I will ever get used to that. Hurry up and wait is the least logical thing that is expected of me and it is one thing I won't miss when I am done.

My blood work was very good. I am a very good patient in that respect. My numbers were better this time then they were at this point in my last cycle (and those were pretty damn good if I say so myself).

I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop as far as treatment is concerned. Waiting for some huge complication to set in. I did this when I was in labor having my first child. I remember thinking when is this going to get so bad that I will start moaning and screaming like the lady in the labor room next to mine, when will this horrible pain set in. It did finally set in but not until he turned 2!!!! I think I am going to be just fine.

Stand back and watch me shine!

Peanut Butter and Chocolate, two great tastes together

2006-08-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

Went in for my usual blood work today and my numbers were good. My WBC count was 3.1 and the low end of normal is 3.5, close enough for me. At this point during my first cycle it was at 2.5! Progress!

I was going to call the title of this post Cipro Be Gone but I thought the Peanut Butter and Chocolate would grab and hold everyone's attention better. The doctor took one look at me and my sunburn like rash from head to toe and decided I could go on something less potent. For christ sake they treat Anthrax with Cipro! They are giving an antibiotic that strong to someone who hasn't been on an antibiotic in 17 years, what the hell did they expect?? So I am now on Bactrim, hopefully I will tolerate it better.

I feel great, just like I did on this day in my last cycle, I see a pattern forming, they told me I would. This also works for me!

As for the Peanut Butter and Chocolate, well I totally cheated today and indulged in a Reese Cup! Do you have any idea how long is has been since I had one of those? I am not saying I don't cheat on my diet I do but I normally stray with a Milky Way and not too often, my goodness that tasted good!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Limitations

2006-08-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Guess what????? I am not Wonder Woman, I have the thigh high boots, I have the cape, I even have an invisible airplane parked in my garage! Not that any of that matters, I am not Wonder Woman! Someone please tell me what to do with this metallic bra now!!! I finally felt the limitations chemotherapy has put on me and now I have to be aware of the things I do. Let me explain. It is no secret that most of the United States was in the grip of a heat wave this past week, well I just treated it like any other heat wave in the past and worked through it like everyone else! Real smooth Meg, I paid the price trust me. By the time I got home from work on Friday, I was dehydrated, had a low grade fever and basically felt like shit! I had plans to try and get some stuff done around my house with the help from a friend and she ended up doing all the work, she is an angel! I hate the fact that this medicine that will cure me has to kick my butt to do so!

I kept myself very hydrated today and pressed through work anyway and I feel better!

Lesson learned!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Second verse same as the first!

2006-07-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

Had treatment number 2 today, 2 down 4 to go!!! All I can say, it was rather uneventful. I see the doctor, my oncologist, once every three weeks when I have a treatment. I was very apprehensive to see him today. Mainly because I have been talking to a few Aunt Tilly's and they scare me, telling me stories of the horrors of Chemotherapy, none that I have experienced yet and hope not to but it is hard not to just wait for the other shoe to drop! I have seen a few changes for the good with my body in reference to the cancer and I was afraid to tell him since he is a tad on the pessimistic side but I broke down and told him and guess what he agreed with me and gave me hope today. I am not going to go into it any further as to not jinx myself but I do feel good mentally and physically. During my treatment I also noticed that the woman are much nicer to the others in the room and to the nurses, the men are pretty grouchy, young and old. Kind of strange. I got an unexpected phone call from a friend right in the middle of the treatment, it was nice to hear a friendly voice since I was there alone at the time. I hope all of you know that you lift me up with your kindness!

Screw you Aunt Tilly!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Sunday Boring Sunday

2006-07-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry Bono but I would dare be as dramatic as to call it ""Bloody" as I haven't shed a drop today. I have noticed since this all started that Sunday seems to be my bad day, a general downer! I am not sure why, I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I work 6 days a week and Sunday is a day off. I am thinking that maybe right now I can't deal with a day off. An idle body tends to lead to an overactive mind, well at least in my case it does. I have so much housework and one day to do it and when that day rolls around the last thing I want to do is housework. So far it seems that I would just rather wallow in my own self pity. I wonder if that is OK??

Treatment #2 tomorrow, I will let you all know how it goes.

Stand back and watch me shine!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2006-07-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Well it is happening, I am losing my hair. I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any less shocking when you literally pull handfuls of your own hair out of your head. It isn't like I am all that attached to my hair and it is obvious it isn't all that attached to me now either, Ba dum bump but I have to admit it was somewhat of an emotional set back when it started happening. I think my hair always kind of looked like a wig anyway so hopefully the wig I get will look more like real hair on me, stranger things have happened right?

I think the problem I have with this is the "no hair" thing is the tell tale sign that I have cancer. Now everyone will know. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to have cancer but I do feel that it makes me appear weak and thusfar no one would even have a clue I was a cancer patient by looking at me. I like it that way, it makes me feel stronger and strength is my greatest ally right now.

I know it is a vanity thing but it is still very hard to accept, it almost is like losing an appendage or something, I have to remain optimistic though as it isn't like losing a finger or something, it will grow back.

This too will pass, I will get used to having no hair and God willing I will grow bigger, better hair after my treatments are done and for now I will wear wigs and bandanas (I think I may even get myself a Simon T skull cap for the colder weather, do you think I will be as sexy in it as he is? Maybe the big T will offer me one of the tea cozies he wears on his head on stage???)

You know I shouldn't be telling any of you this because the talent of the wig makers today is unbelievable, this is an artform! I don't think many would have a clue I was even wearing one if I didn't open my big mouth. This is where I have a problem being a woman, I almost feel like I am betraying my sisters by telling this. So much of a womans appearance is all smoke and mirrors anyway. Padded bras, girdles, spray on tans, make up, weaves, fake nails, implants, collagen the list is endless. I don't think men can even begin to fathom the depths woman will go to for the illusion of perfection. The Casbah Club sings about wanting a sex change to understand women, boys you can't handle that truth, trust me! I will don a wig, for the sake of my kids, so I appear normal to them and their friends, I will wear a wig for strangers so they don't feel the need to pity me as we pass in the aisle of the supermarket, I will wear a wig for myself so I feel and appear normal. The nice thing about this is I don't have to wear a wig for anyone, the people who love me will also get used to seeing me this way and accept me and love me in spite of my being bald.

This is also one other thing that is proof positive to me that God is a man! I tell you this, someone will have some answering to do if I have to shave, wax or pluck any part of my body once the hair on my head goes! If I lose the hair on my head then in fairness I should lose it everywhere else too, if not I'm gonna be pissed!

The Numbers Game

2006-07-18T04:50:00.000-07:00

I had my first set of blood work, one week post treatment. It came out just as they thought it would. My WBC (White blood count) is low, just below normal. They were happy with that. It was low but not too low, if I needed to have had treatment yesterday I was in good enough shape to have it and I am still two weeks away from my next treatment! I am doing good!

Throughout the week I felt pretty good, not normal but pretty good. I was tired but I really didn't slow down too much. I still worked and I still exercised. With this excessive heat that has set into my area I have to be very careful of my outdoor activities but who doesn't! The healthiest person has to be aware of their bodies in such extreme weather. Everyone be careful!

They tell me now I am on the rebound and my WBC will be back on the rise, with the assistance of Nulasta (sp?), a shot that helps boost WBC growth. So far so good!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Treatment 1

2006-07-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well I did it, one down 5 to go! That is how I am approaching this one step at a time. That in itself is very hard for me, I am a control freak and it is killing me not to be able to have the whole plan laid out in front of me with the outcome certain. I must let the control go!

The procedure itself went well, no pain, the port performed very well. Easy, believe it or not. They are giving me many different medications to keep from getting sick and they are working. I have been experiencing some effects that feel like low blood sugar issues so I feel a bit shakey. I have had these problem prior to cancer so I guess it is normal, it is a note I will take down to discuss with my doctors, it isn't constant.

I feel a little tired not fatigued yet. I worked out last night and I feel a little weaker then normal, not sure if that is mental or physical. I am a little worried I might hurt myself, needless worries I think. I am determined to keep my guns and my "banana". For those of you who have seen or felt my banana know why it is so important to me!!! ha ha ha

All in all it went well and I am fine!

Thanks for supporting me through all of this

Stand back and watch me shine!

Someone call an exterminator!

2006-07-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day! I liken myself to a house that has termites, I have an infestation in the kitchen that as spread a little to the laundry room but so far the rest of the house is clear of any pestilence. So tomorrow the exterminator will be by to spray his poison to kill the nuisance that has taken over. After he kills all the termites a little demolition will have to be done to rid the house of the damage that they caused. Then a few laser beams will be shot around to make sure everything that isn't supposed to be there is dead, once the building inspector is satisfied the house is clean then the rebuild will begin and the kitchen will be better then before, of course, with the help of a very good contractor!

I am actually glad this process is beginning, I can't tell you how much I hate the thought of this poison coursing through my veins. It is against every fiber of my being to put poison into my body. In all honesty, I have never inhaled smoke of any kind (well second hand) into my lungs, I have never taken and illegal drug, I have very limited exposure to narcotics, I have gone 17 years without even taking an antibiotic. Well all that is dramatically going to change, I have to take steroids (in limited doses) I have to take anti nausea medicine and I have to take strong antibiotics all to counteract the side affects of chemotherapy. The drugs that will be given to me are very strong, they will take my hair, lower my blood counts and ravage my immune system. They will also cure me, that is a fair price to pay if you ask me. You see I want to live, my youngest child is 6 and she needs me to walk her through life just like my older children do and I have no intention of letting any of them down. To be honest, I want to live, there is so much out there yet to do.

So tomorrow and every 21 days here on out (through October 23), if you have a free moment in your day, send a positive vibe my way. I am sure I will get them and they will lift me up!

Stand back and watch me shine!

If I Only Had a Heart!

2006-07-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

Well it turns out I do! I bet there are some out there who will be surprised at this revaluation but I saw it with my own eyes. Today I had a MUGA Scan to use as a base line so they can see if the chemo has damaged my heart. My heart is pretty strong so I think I will be just fine. I do have one complaint though, I have been injected with more radioactive material in the past few weeks, I refuse to play hide and seek with any of you as you will all have an unfair advantage!

Does this define me?

2006-07-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

Being diagnosed with cancer is a wild thing, the first reaction, well at least my first reaction was to think what did I do in my life to have such a horrible thing happen to me? Then I thought, many kids are diagnosed and surely they didn't hurt anyone to deserve such a destiny. So I pretty much put the karma thought out of my head.

As this process goes on I am beginning to think that I am nothing but a cancer patient. This defines me. I hate that but I have come to find that everyone that surrounds me has forgotten that I am a person first and I have other interests, passions and thoughts. I am grateful that everyone is concerned with what is going on with me medically but there is more to me then cancer, have they all ready forgotten the person I used to be, what am I saying the person I still am! I am so relieved that there are a few people in my life that remember Meg, the Meg that is deep down inside below the tumor, the port and the toxic medication, what would I do without the Grasshopper and Mr. Mental Massage. You guys know who you are! I am forever grateful to you.

For those of you who define me by my diagnoses, I still really do appreciate all the love, prayers and positive energy so here is a song that I have always felt was written with me in mind just so you remember who I am!

BITCH

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Please remember this is a process I am going through and I don't mean to offend anyone or lessen their impact on my life and recovery. I just have to express how I feel. Thanks for understanding!

Any Port in a Storm

2006-06-30T03:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a port for venous access put in my chest near my collar bone. It is so the chemo drugs don't destroy the veins in my arms since they are so toxic. It also allows for blood draws so I don't have to be stuck a million times! This procedure was supposed to be a walk in the park. NOT! After the procedure, I was in the recovery area and my surgeon came out and said, "Boy are you in good shape!" I looked at her oddly and said "Thanks". She then explained that I have so much muscle in my chest that she had a very hard time inserting the port, she tried to thread it through my neck (which is now killing me) to no avail. She went back in through the first incision and went toward my shoulder to thread it through and it went in. As a result, I feel like I have been beaten up. Everyone told me that this would be a simple, virtually pain feel procedure. I guess all the people I know who have a port in don't have well developed chest muscles. Go figure, the hundreds of flys I have done have come back to bite me in the ass.

I know I shouldn't complain because this complication is nothing compared to other people but if I didn't tell you about it then I wouldn't be truly documenting my journey, would I? Things will be better tomorrow!

Pissed off!

2006-06-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

I guess it's just a stage in life and I know right now the problem is a stage.

My stage 3. Could be worse I guess and most people with this type of BC begin at stage 3, why should I be any different. After waiting many agonizing days I finally got the results of my PETT Scan, I have no vital organ involvment, that is a really good thing, I do have the lymph nodes under my arm involved and one in my neck and chest are not caner, yet but are fighting it off.

I am pissed because everything with these doctors is hurry up and wait. This is the only profession that I know of that gets away with such inefficiency on a regular basis and I should know I have worked in the medical profession for a long time.

I know I should stop complaining but I won't because that is exactly why I started this blog so I could whine, bitch, holler and express any other emotion I have, if you don't like it tough shit! (I told you I was pissed off!!)

I promise next post I will be more myself!

No So Amazing Journey

2006-06-15T03:17:00.000-07:00

.....But it will be a journey none the less. I will find out what I am made of so I guess in the end I will learn about myself.

Two weeks ago, I was a healthy 40 year old woman. On June 12th, I found out I have cancer. Funny thing is, I am still a healthy 40 year old woman. I feel like I could run a marathon, good thing because I am about to start one, so to speak. I have Inflammatory Breast Cancer of the left breast. I had two rather severe breast injuries over the past seven months and was misdiagnosed with fat necrosis until I went to see a PA at my doctors office, I didn't like the changes I was seeing and neither did she so we both grabbed the bull by the horns and got some answers. It has been a whirlwind! I went from doctors appointment, to MRI, to breast surgeon, to biopsy to definitive diagnosis in two weeks time, imagine the shit storm that is going on in my head!

I am blogging about this for my own sanity and to give those who are interested and care about me an update. I am told this is a rare form or breast cancer that often goes misdiagnosed but it is very treatable and I have every intention of getting better. I am not looking for medical advice from people or stories of other peoples fight, I appreciate it but I do not want to know what happened to your Aunt Tilly when she had breast cancer 15 years ago. I am putting 100% faith in the doctors I have selected and I am giving myself to them fully so I can get better. I have a great support system at home but I think this is a good way to keep up with all the friends I have met through the various blogs and boards I take part in. Your love, prayers and support are truly appreciated.

If you are interested, you can come back here to see what is going on with me and where I am in my treatment process. Feel free to comment and send positive energy my way, thanks in advance for all your support.