Rewind

Yes, I know, I know it has been a while. I will put my hand out and you can all take a turn slapping it. To be honest, after I had my surgery I was in a big hurry to just reclaim my normal life, even if for just a short period of time. Too short actually.

After waiting a few weeks to heal properly, I was sent for a repeat PET Scan to determine if I had cancer still or again, depending on which doctor you talk to. Well the results are in and I went in to see my oncologist to here the verdict (so to speak). Turns out I am guilty and if my doctor was the judge and jury then I have been condemned to death!!

I still have cancer, after chemo, after surgery I still have activity in my lymph nodes. Now there is some disagreement between my surgeon and my oncologist. The surgeon, a man who I have lots of faith in, tells me that the inflammation in my chest is from healing and it will light up in a PET Scan. The oncologist says it is cancer.

Sitting on the edge of the exam table in the oncologist office waiting to hear what direction my new year will take, I was in no way prepared for what I was going to hear. Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have hardly skipped a beat. I tolerated chemo like a champ, recovered from surgery and was back to work within two weeks. I have a physically demanding job and I still do it without problem. I work out on a regular basis, as a matter of fact as I type this my ass is killing me from squats and lunges. I actually feel great! So when my oncologist says well maybe you have a year, maybe you have three! You need to get your affairs in order, I was taken aback. Way far aback. I felt myself deflate, I felt hope leave me. After speaking with my surgeon about the news he did his best to assure me that there were lots of treatment options out there for me and the fact that the cancer has still not invaded my lungs, liver, and so on is a good thing. He still has hope for me. I plan on fighting, I have way to much to fight for. I have had it easy so far so maybe I need to put forth more of an effort.

I am going to a new oncologist tomorrow, he is affiliated with the University of Pennsylvania Hospital which is a teaching hospital with lots going on. Maybe he will give me some more positive news. It would be nice to hear that remission is a possibility.

When you are told that you should start getting your affairs in order, well lets just say it gets your mind working! Of course you think of the big things, the kids. I won't see any of my kids get married, hell I won't even see the younger two graduate high school. Never getting to see my grand kids doesn't sit well with me either. Then you start thinking of the little, more everyday things, prom dresses, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, making a team, going shopping at the mall. Missing these things is unacceptable to me. I am a control freak and I am losing it like sand through my fist. I am afraid to hope but I am not afraid to fight, to do what it takes to be there for my kids when they feel like celebrating or when the shit hits the fan. So apparently my battle with the big C bitch isn't over, she is going to be damn sorry she messed with me!

Oh and to all my female friends who read this blog, go and get a goddamn mammogram!

Stand back and watch me shine!