It was one year ago today!
That I started this journey. Well one good thing, I'm still here!!! I feel about the same as I did then too, nothing has really changed all that much. I began thinking about this last night, I remembered back to that day, when I got the call from my doctor. I was alone, no husband, mom or best friend to hold my hand and support me when I got the devistating news. I was alone. In many ways I wanted it that way, the less I talked or even thought about it then maybe the less I thought it could be true, that's called denial, right??
People say to me all the time "You look great"; "you would never know you are going through this". In some ways I like hearing that, in others it is a curse. I have set myself up to be the super hero, that I am not. Funny because I see this disease as a weakness that has eaten away at my strength, the person I was, my sexuality, my sense of humor and my faith. I wonder everyday if I will get back the things I have lost, do I really want them back? Do I embrace this new person I have become, in the eyes of others a super hero; in my own eyes weak and diseased? I suppose there has to be a middle ground between the way I see myself and the way others see me, I just wonder if anyone knows that person and if so can you introduce her to me. I just hope there is someone out there who has seen right through the super hero persona I have put up and the weak diseased person I feel I am. I want to be strong, I know I can be strong, I rarely allow myself to be weak but I need to find balance as I go forward on this journey, I feel very alone even with all the support I get from my family and friends, that is a bed I have made but as I sit here typing I am refusing more and more to lie in it.
Don't worry though, I am OK, really I am just thinking out loud wondering how a disease that makes me feel so different inside and out doesn't really show to anyone around me? I suppose it is a comfort to them that I can be as independent as I have ever been and still have cancer, that way it isn't in there face every time I see them. I want people (especially my children) to feel that comfort as I fight this disease that way their positive energy only charges me. I guess I just want someone who knows me to tell me it is OK to feel weak every once in a while, that someone else will carry the load for a little while.
Pity party over, Meg lifts her world back up on her shoulder and changes the batteries in the light so you can.........
STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!
Meg
People say to me all the time "You look great"; "you would never know you are going through this". In some ways I like hearing that, in others it is a curse. I have set myself up to be the super hero, that I am not. Funny because I see this disease as a weakness that has eaten away at my strength, the person I was, my sexuality, my sense of humor and my faith. I wonder everyday if I will get back the things I have lost, do I really want them back? Do I embrace this new person I have become, in the eyes of others a super hero; in my own eyes weak and diseased? I suppose there has to be a middle ground between the way I see myself and the way others see me, I just wonder if anyone knows that person and if so can you introduce her to me. I just hope there is someone out there who has seen right through the super hero persona I have put up and the weak diseased person I feel I am. I want to be strong, I know I can be strong, I rarely allow myself to be weak but I need to find balance as I go forward on this journey, I feel very alone even with all the support I get from my family and friends, that is a bed I have made but as I sit here typing I am refusing more and more to lie in it.
Don't worry though, I am OK, really I am just thinking out loud wondering how a disease that makes me feel so different inside and out doesn't really show to anyone around me? I suppose it is a comfort to them that I can be as independent as I have ever been and still have cancer, that way it isn't in there face every time I see them. I want people (especially my children) to feel that comfort as I fight this disease that way their positive energy only charges me. I guess I just want someone who knows me to tell me it is OK to feel weak every once in a while, that someone else will carry the load for a little while.
Pity party over, Meg lifts her world back up on her shoulder and changes the batteries in the light so you can.........
STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!
Meg
posted by Meg at 5:57 AM
6 Comments:
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Haha!Meg,that Pete pic is pretty
darn weird,it reminds me of
the Amazing Colossal man,not
because of Pete's size,but
there was a scene where he's
looking at the screen up close
and...well....it's hard to
describe.Amazing Colossal Man
was a science fiction horror
movie back in the 1950's
about a man who grows to
be 60 feet tall.
Man,do I have a warped mind,lol.
breathe in breathe out
you are an inspiration!
This quite a post Meg. Thanks for letting us in.
Yes, it is ok. It is perfectly ok.
Your post has stirred a lot of thoughts in me. I'll need to gather those thoughts later as I have to get me and the kids ready for the day ahead of us. I''ll probably end up writing you an email later.
Great to hear things are going well with the chemo, Meg! Keep up the good work.
What's happening is that people are seeing your spirit and not your body, so they only see your strength and determination and not your weakness. You may be feeling it's hard to keep that up when the chemo is such a heavy weight to bear, but remember we're thinking about you and pulling for you to recover fully. Don't feel that you're alone in spirit. If you need some help, just put up a post that says "carry my load today," transfer it over, and we'll carry it for a while.
This kind of battle isn't what the average healthy person can understand. Only you can make these life or death decisions, and the fact that you're engaged in it sets you apart and makes you different. I don't know that anyone would be the same afterward, but I also think we become different people about every ten years regardless--it's about maturing and starting down a new path.
I went back to reread your post, as I'm not sure if what I first got out of it is what you meant. Are you saying that your independence in dealing with this is leading to lonliness? I do think it's true that the less we lean on others, the more lonly we become. We all want someone to share our journey with.
Take care.
Not sure Ive done this tag thing
before,but I was tagged by
Grace now I thought I'd tag
you Meg.It's 8 random things about
yourself.I thing I may have revealed too much in mine.hahaha!
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