To Clarify
I may have babbled on a bit with my last post and what I was trying to say got lost in translation, so to speak.
Basically I've wrapped myself up in my own catch 22. I was bound and determined to do this all on my own. Not to say that I don't need anyone because trust me, without all of my family and friends, the support everyone gives me is more valuable than anyone can imagine, I would not be mentally or physically strong enough to pull this off.
So now that this has been going on for a year, I looked back and find myself feeling alone, not necessarily in my life but in my battle, if that makes any sense. You would think that when a person is told they have cancer, whether it is curable or not, they would live their life differently. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I just don't know how to do that and I have complicated things further by being so stubbornly independent as far as walking a lot of this journey alone, by choice.
What am I supposed to do? Become an adrenaline junky and jump out of an airplane, climb Mt. Everest, do some other life altering thing so I can prove I've lived? My thought on that is, why put the life I am trying so hard to save at risk? When this happened to me, I figured it this way, I am able to get out of bed everyday and I feel pretty good, so I go to work to help provide for my family. I try to listen more than be heard, I observe, I say what I think but I try to think before I say it. I enjoy the song I hear playing on the radio and yes, if I really like it I do turn it up too loud (hell I am a Who fan, what is too loud anyway???)
My prior post was a momentarily lapse for me. I approached an anniversary, I thought I would be at a totally different place a year after my diagnosis and I wasn't so I got filled up with self doubt and pity. I then expressed this to a few people in my life and I didn't get the feedback I was hoping for, not that I know what I wanted I just know I didn't get it????
What it comes down to is I am thankful that people can treat me normally, they don't see me as a cancer patient (in the stereotypical sense) that is what I want so I have to be thankful that that is what I have. When I get to a point where I feel sorry for myself and I need some extra love and support then I have to be open about that too. I just fear that if I show weakness I will become weak. See there I go again, putting a wall up around my own solution. Just as everything else in life this is very confusing and I think I will just go in living life each day, appreciating the beautiful blue clouds in the sky on a sunny day, the corny jokes my 7 year old tells, listening to the trials and tribulations of my teenagers and all the other daily occurrences in my life. I just have to remember to breathe in and out everyday and before I know it this journey will end and another will begin.
Basically I've wrapped myself up in my own catch 22. I was bound and determined to do this all on my own. Not to say that I don't need anyone because trust me, without all of my family and friends, the support everyone gives me is more valuable than anyone can imagine, I would not be mentally or physically strong enough to pull this off.
So now that this has been going on for a year, I looked back and find myself feeling alone, not necessarily in my life but in my battle, if that makes any sense. You would think that when a person is told they have cancer, whether it is curable or not, they would live their life differently. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I just don't know how to do that and I have complicated things further by being so stubbornly independent as far as walking a lot of this journey alone, by choice.
What am I supposed to do? Become an adrenaline junky and jump out of an airplane, climb Mt. Everest, do some other life altering thing so I can prove I've lived? My thought on that is, why put the life I am trying so hard to save at risk? When this happened to me, I figured it this way, I am able to get out of bed everyday and I feel pretty good, so I go to work to help provide for my family. I try to listen more than be heard, I observe, I say what I think but I try to think before I say it. I enjoy the song I hear playing on the radio and yes, if I really like it I do turn it up too loud (hell I am a Who fan, what is too loud anyway???)
My prior post was a momentarily lapse for me. I approached an anniversary, I thought I would be at a totally different place a year after my diagnosis and I wasn't so I got filled up with self doubt and pity. I then expressed this to a few people in my life and I didn't get the feedback I was hoping for, not that I know what I wanted I just know I didn't get it????
What it comes down to is I am thankful that people can treat me normally, they don't see me as a cancer patient (in the stereotypical sense) that is what I want so I have to be thankful that that is what I have. When I get to a point where I feel sorry for myself and I need some extra love and support then I have to be open about that too. I just fear that if I show weakness I will become weak. See there I go again, putting a wall up around my own solution. Just as everything else in life this is very confusing and I think I will just go in living life each day, appreciating the beautiful blue clouds in the sky on a sunny day, the corny jokes my 7 year old tells, listening to the trials and tribulations of my teenagers and all the other daily occurrences in my life. I just have to remember to breathe in and out everyday and before I know it this journey will end and another will begin.
posted by Meg at 4:18 AM
13 Comments:
Meg!
Live YOUR life, not one that you think you should.
Enjoy every day on your own terms.
Love and Hugs
Dale
Meg, I have only just caught up on your last couple of posts, and I don't think you were babbling at all on the last one!
You are a strong woman who asks a lot of herself. The strength you have is your greatest asset in fighting this thing, which you're doing with grace, humour and success.
However, you are also human, and humans are not one-dimensional in any circumstances let alone those as challenging as this. I have never sensed self-pity in you, and doubt I ever will, but it's OK and normal to have different moods and feelings.
As for the bungee jumping, you have summed it up beautifully when you say "why put the life I am trying so hard to save at risk?". My friend with bowel cancer (who's doing really well btw), is taking the adrenaline-rush path, and every weekend he's leaping from a plane, up in a balloon, driving race cars, going gliding or indulging in some other high-risk horror. Each to his own I guess, but I prefer your thinking.
Remember though - independence is a measure of strength, but so is knowing when to ask for and accept help and support. All is balance.
Shine on.
you know, I missed the hurrah...but I will see, your clarification rings of the little things you so eloquently posted about. In my experience of so far witnessing the day-by-day lives of women undergoing chemo, work, and family, I have only heard that is in the recognizable, in the moments of everyday, that the extraordinary occurs. The listening more closely kinds of details that ring out, it's those and not the trips to Paris, I've only ever heard as working so well. I've only known survivors too.
I would let you weep though, too, and I think I would given my witness stand.
You're alright. It's the little things...you bet. you know it, and yes you shine.
-ginab
It's me, ginab again, Meg. Was thinking as I was swimming this evening how I wish I could paint you a soft, red flower...right here in the comment box. I really wish that I could.
And if I could I would paint you a bouqet of them: soft red flowers. All for you.
Just happened to be on my mind, because you shine!
-ginab
How goes it Meg?
Thinking of you.
M x
Hi Meg,
Too long since my last visit...I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you...all positives things in the world, should point in your direction!
And, what a beautiful thought Gina had, to paint you a bouqet of flowers, right here in this comment box.....
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
OK, my lame attempt at a bouqet ;)
You need not make any explanations here for your thoughts and feelings.....this is your place, you can say what you want, anyway, anyhow and this is anywhere you choose!!!
Blogger Love to you!
xo
Meg, I am thinking of you.
Hey there Meg, it's August already...how are you?
I think of you.
Has it rained where you are? Hasn't here since, oh, seems like back in May, early, it rained. I was reminded what rain looks like coming through maple leaves because of a sprinkler up the road. I miss the rain and, well, I miss you!
stay strong and shine, shine, shine through the rain.
-ginab
saw you over to SueJoy's. So glad to see you.
shine!
-ginab
Just popping by to say hello again. Hope you're doing well.
M x
Hi Meg!
xo
hello!
And speaking of listening to songs closely, there'sa great one from Bowie's Heathen "Everyone says hi".
-ginab
Hey Meg,
Just thinking about you this morning. Hope you're doing good.
Ain't back-to-school the best time of year? Really.
Jeff
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