Stand back and watch me glow...........literally

Tomorrow, on to the radiation super highway! I have made sure to put the steel belted radials on the old jalopy because I am off on another adventure and I better make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I can't say I am scared, I'm not but ya know if is getting a little tough doing these trips without a road map.

So they are going to shoot gamma radiation through my body, yeah well I guess I have been shot with worse but those stories are for the xx rated blog I plan to write one day!!! I figure I will really suck at hide and seek for the next 5 weeks or so. What the hell it won't be the first thing I suck at and it won't be the last! I think a nice green glow to my skin will only accentuate the beautiful fall colors around me! The way I see it this is a win win situation.

Seriously though, I am told the side effects won't be too bad, I will hope and trust that is true. It is only 5 weeks and they don't expect any side effects to be long lasting. If this kills any and all of the cancer bitch left inside me then I say "hey Mr. Radiation man, take no prisoners!"

I hope this blog finds all of the people who read it well, I am always thinking of all of you and sending positive energy!

Peace

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!

Look at my face, ain't this a smile?

Apparently, I have been tagged by Mike S. That doesn't mean he marked me and now tracks me in the wild, it means I have to tell you guys 8 interesting things about myself. That shouldn't be hard!!!!! (can you sense the sarcasm in my voice?)

I haven't done this blog thing for a while. I should first let you all know I am still fighting the good fight and so far so good. I have left blogging basically because sometimes it makes me feel silly. I got to the point where I started to think, who the hell cares what I am doing in my life, we all have lives, right?? We all have shit going on, what makes me think I am so important that others would have the need, want or desire to read about mine. If my opinion ever changes, I will let you all know. Just know I do keep up with everyone elses blogs, if not then I wouldn't be doing this. OK, OK enough of my bullshit, on the the 8 things about ME!

1. Sometimes I wish I was invisible.

2. I have carried around a marble with me for good luck since I was 13 years old.(My friend Rose gave it to me)

3. I think that having children is the best thing I have ever done in my life!

4. Since December of 1999, my shoe size has dropped down a half size!

5. I am gentle by nature and that surprises people???

6. It makes me sad that #5 is such a true statement. It hurts me to know that people don't automatically see that I am a lover not a fighter and I would do just about anything to make the people in my life happy.

7. I am allergic to cats and rabbits and apple skin, I own a cat and apples are my favorite fruit. I don't have a bunny but someone did give me a lucky rabbits foot once (not too lucky for the rabbit I suppose)

8. I hate unfinished business, I hate the unknown even more. If you want to make me happy, tell me what is on your mind. I am a big girl and I can handle disappointment, so if I know the truth I am happy and can work out any differences.

*bonus feature: I was in the movie Rocky II and I took a slap shot on the practice ice with the Philadelphia Flyers and I ended up flat on my ass!

HEY BEK, TAG YOUR IT!!

Stand back and watch me shine!

To Clarify

I may have babbled on a bit with my last post and what I was trying to say got lost in translation, so to speak.

Basically I've wrapped myself up in my own catch 22. I was bound and determined to do this all on my own. Not to say that I don't need anyone because trust me, without all of my family and friends, the support everyone gives me is more valuable than anyone can imagine, I would not be mentally or physically strong enough to pull this off.

So now that this has been going on for a year, I looked back and find myself feeling alone, not necessarily in my life but in my battle, if that makes any sense. You would think that when a person is told they have cancer, whether it is curable or not, they would live their life differently. Live as if there is no tomorrow. I just don't know how to do that and I have complicated things further by being so stubbornly independent as far as walking a lot of this journey alone, by choice.

What am I supposed to do? Become an adrenaline junky and jump out of an airplane, climb Mt. Everest, do some other life altering thing so I can prove I've lived? My thought on that is, why put the life I am trying so hard to save at risk? When this happened to me, I figured it this way, I am able to get out of bed everyday and I feel pretty good, so I go to work to help provide for my family. I try to listen more than be heard, I observe, I say what I think but I try to think before I say it. I enjoy the song I hear playing on the radio and yes, if I really like it I do turn it up too loud (hell I am a Who fan, what is too loud anyway???)

My prior post was a momentarily lapse for me. I approached an anniversary, I thought I would be at a totally different place a year after my diagnosis and I wasn't so I got filled up with self doubt and pity. I then expressed this to a few people in my life and I didn't get the feedback I was hoping for, not that I know what I wanted I just know I didn't get it????

What it comes down to is I am thankful that people can treat me normally, they don't see me as a cancer patient (in the stereotypical sense) that is what I want so I have to be thankful that that is what I have. When I get to a point where I feel sorry for myself and I need some extra love and support then I have to be open about that too. I just fear that if I show weakness I will become weak. See there I go again, putting a wall up around my own solution. Just as everything else in life this is very confusing and I think I will just go in living life each day, appreciating the beautiful blue clouds in the sky on a sunny day, the corny jokes my 7 year old tells, listening to the trials and tribulations of my teenagers and all the other daily occurrences in my life. I just have to remember to breathe in and out everyday and before I know it this journey will end and another will begin.

It was one year ago today!

That I started this journey. Well one good thing, I'm still here!!! I feel about the same as I did then too, nothing has really changed all that much. I began thinking about this last night, I remembered back to that day, when I got the call from my doctor. I was alone, no husband, mom or best friend to hold my hand and support me when I got the devistating news. I was alone. In many ways I wanted it that way, the less I talked or even thought about it then maybe the less I thought it could be true, that's called denial, right??

People say to me all the time "You look great"; "you would never know you are going through this". In some ways I like hearing that, in others it is a curse. I have set myself up to be the super hero, that I am not. Funny because I see this disease as a weakness that has eaten away at my strength, the person I was, my sexuality, my sense of humor and my faith. I wonder everyday if I will get back the things I have lost, do I really want them back? Do I embrace this new person I have become, in the eyes of others a super hero; in my own eyes weak and diseased? I suppose there has to be a middle ground between the way I see myself and the way others see me, I just wonder if anyone knows that person and if so can you introduce her to me. I just hope there is someone out there who has seen right through the super hero persona I have put up and the weak diseased person I feel I am. I want to be strong, I know I can be strong, I rarely allow myself to be weak but I need to find balance as I go forward on this journey, I feel very alone even with all the support I get from my family and friends, that is a bed I have made but as I sit here typing I am refusing more and more to lie in it.

Don't worry though, I am OK, really I am just thinking out loud wondering how a disease that makes me feel so different inside and out doesn't really show to anyone around me? I suppose it is a comfort to them that I can be as independent as I have ever been and still have cancer, that way it isn't in there face every time I see them. I want people (especially my children) to feel that comfort as I fight this disease that way their positive energy only charges me. I guess I just want someone who knows me to tell me it is OK to feel weak every once in a while, that someone else will carry the load for a little while.

Pity party over, Meg lifts her world back up on her shoulder and changes the batteries in the light so you can.........

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!

Meg

The little things.............

As I read the comments from my last post, I realized how something so mundane to one person can be monumental to another. Yes, it is true, this past Saturday, I went to get a HAIRCUT!!! I know what your thinking, actually, I didn't think much of it either. I was talking to the hairdresser and telling her that I had had chemo and I wanted to cut the ends off of my hair to make is less fuzzy, the first hair that grows back is very soft. I joked with her and said yes, this is my first haircut (with this hair) and she kind of looked at me with this very genuine smile and said "Thank you for letting me be the first to cut your new hair". Only then did I realize the significance of the moment. Different milestones on our journey, some pass us by unnoticed and some leave their mark.

I had my second infusion today and I have a week left of the oral drugs for this cycle then a week off and God willing after that I will start and finish my last cycle. Fingers crossed!

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE!!

Meg

Seeing right through me.....

Literally! Yesterday I went to my doctor and he had the results of my repeat CT. He was quite pleased with the results. Apparently, I had a small spot on my pelvis that was developing into a problem. No longer a problem as it is gone and the bone is sclerosed(which I am told means healed) so that is a good thing. The lymph nodes in my clavicle area that were involved are also free and clear now. I have a bugger of a lymph in my chest that they are trying to shrink so I can have radiation to eradicate the damn thing all together. Well that has shrunk. So as far as I can tell the score is Meg + Chemo 1, Cancer 0.

So I have agreed to do two more cycles of my current chemotherapy to shrink the field even more and then radiation, in about 5 weeks. Hopefully, that will do it and I can be free of the big C. I will remain optimistically cynical as always as I don't want to put the cart before the horse.

Just know things are looking good! (That is as positive as I am going to get right now!!)

Stand Back and Watch Me Shine!

Mixed Signals

So I started my third cycle of chemo this past Monday. I asked a bunch of questions this week. The first time I had chemo I was told not to eat any raw fruit or veggies, almost immediately I started craving grapes! Go figure. So I asked my new oncologist why he didn't tell me not to eat uncooked foods and he said he doesn't believe that it poses a risk to me. At that moment, my undeniable urge to eat grapes left me! He says I can wear jewelry (it was recommended that I not at my last doctors office), I can eat whatever my heart desires (within reason) I can workout and I can dye my hair! I keep losing weight, I think their scale is off because I don't see it but I see what it says every week, they aren't happy with me about that, I really don't have an appetite especially since the desire for grapes has left me!

My WBC (white blood count) is low, I almost didn't have treatment this week because of it, I think I have to rest a little more and have a good, stern talkin' to with my bone marrow! I don't feel any different but the count is low. Hopefully, next week it will rebound and I will sail through and complete round three of my new treatment. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that during my off week of this cycle I am going to have my repeat CT, if is shows that the chemo is working then I can start radiation. If that happens, I will actually be able to see light at the end of the tunnel! I was very excited by this news, sadly I was the only one. I think my friends and family are becoming skeptics, just what I need now a bunch of doubting Thomas'. Well, my doctor and I are very encouraged and that is all that really matters.

How weird is it that I am actually looking forward to having someone shoot radiation through my body, me the one who doesn't even like to stand too close to the microwave! Again, go figure!!!!

STAND BACK AND WATCH ME SHINE (or should I say glow??!!!)