Second verse same as the first!

Had treatment number 2 today, 2 down 4 to go!!! All I can say, it was rather uneventful. I see the doctor, my oncologist, once every three weeks when I have a treatment. I was very apprehensive to see him today. Mainly because I have been talking to a few Aunt Tilly's and they scare me, telling me stories of the horrors of Chemotherapy, none that I have experienced yet and hope not to but it is hard not to just wait for the other shoe to drop! I have seen a few changes for the good with my body in reference to the cancer and I was afraid to tell him since he is a tad on the pessimistic side but I broke down and told him and guess what he agreed with me and gave me hope today. I am not going to go into it any further as to not jinx myself but I do feel good mentally and physically. During my treatment I also noticed that the woman are much nicer to the others in the room and to the nurses, the men are pretty grouchy, young and old. Kind of strange. I got an unexpected phone call from a friend right in the middle of the treatment, it was nice to hear a friendly voice since I was there alone at the time. I hope all of you know that you lift me up with your kindness!

Screw you Aunt Tilly!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Sunday Boring Sunday

Sorry Bono but I would dare be as dramatic as to call it ""Bloody" as I haven't shed a drop today. I have noticed since this all started that Sunday seems to be my bad day, a general downer! I am not sure why, I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I work 6 days a week and Sunday is a day off. I am thinking that maybe right now I can't deal with a day off. An idle body tends to lead to an overactive mind, well at least in my case it does. I have so much housework and one day to do it and when that day rolls around the last thing I want to do is housework. So far it seems that I would just rather wallow in my own self pity. I wonder if that is OK??

Treatment #2 tomorrow, I will let you all know how it goes.

Stand back and watch me shine!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Well it is happening, I am losing my hair. I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any less shocking when you literally pull handfuls of your own hair out of your head. It isn't like I am all that attached to my hair and it is obvious it isn't all that attached to me now either, Ba dum bump but I have to admit it was somewhat of an emotional set back when it started happening. I think my hair always kind of looked like a wig anyway so hopefully the wig I get will look more like real hair on me, stranger things have happened right?

I think the problem I have with this is the "no hair" thing is the tell tale sign that I have cancer. Now everyone will know. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to have cancer but I do feel that it makes me appear weak and thusfar no one would even have a clue I was a cancer patient by looking at me. I like it that way, it makes me feel stronger and strength is my greatest ally right now.

I know it is a vanity thing but it is still very hard to accept, it almost is like losing an appendage or something, I have to remain optimistic though as it isn't like losing a finger or something, it will grow back.

This too will pass, I will get used to having no hair and God willing I will grow bigger, better hair after my treatments are done and for now I will wear wigs and bandanas (I think I may even get myself a Simon T skull cap for the colder weather, do you think I will be as sexy in it as he is? Maybe the big T will offer me one of the tea cozies he wears on his head on stage???)

You know I shouldn't be telling any of you this because the talent of the wig makers today is unbelievable, this is an artform! I don't think many would have a clue I was even wearing one if I didn't open my big mouth. This is where I have a problem being a woman, I almost feel like I am betraying my sisters by telling this. So much of a womans appearance is all smoke and mirrors anyway. Padded bras, girdles, spray on tans, make up, weaves, fake nails, implants, collagen the list is endless. I don't think men can even begin to fathom the depths woman will go to for the illusion of perfection. The Casbah Club sings about wanting a sex change to understand women, boys you can't handle that truth, trust me! I will don a wig, for the sake of my kids, so I appear normal to them and their friends, I will wear a wig for strangers so they don't feel the need to pity me as we pass in the aisle of the supermarket, I will wear a wig for myself so I feel and appear normal. The nice thing about this is I don't have to wear a wig for anyone, the people who love me will also get used to seeing me this way and accept me and love me in spite of my being bald.

This is also one other thing that is proof positive to me that God is a man! I tell you this, someone will have some answering to do if I have to shave, wax or pluck any part of my body once the hair on my head goes! If I lose the hair on my head then in fairness I should lose it everywhere else too, if not I'm gonna be pissed!

The Numbers Game

I had my first set of blood work, one week post treatment. It came out just as they thought it would. My WBC (White blood count) is low, just below normal. They were happy with that. It was low but not too low, if I needed to have had treatment yesterday I was in good enough shape to have it and I am still two weeks away from my next treatment! I am doing good!

Throughout the week I felt pretty good, not normal but pretty good. I was tired but I really didn't slow down too much. I still worked and I still exercised. With this excessive heat that has set into my area I have to be very careful of my outdoor activities but who doesn't! The healthiest person has to be aware of their bodies in such extreme weather. Everyone be careful!

They tell me now I am on the rebound and my WBC will be back on the rise, with the assistance of Nulasta (sp?), a shot that helps boost WBC growth. So far so good!

Stand back and watch me shine!

Treatment 1

Well I did it, one down 5 to go! That is how I am approaching this one step at a time. That in itself is very hard for me, I am a control freak and it is killing me not to be able to have the whole plan laid out in front of me with the outcome certain. I must let the control go!

The procedure itself went well, no pain, the port performed very well. Easy, believe it or not. They are giving me many different medications to keep from getting sick and they are working. I have been experiencing some effects that feel like low blood sugar issues so I feel a bit shakey. I have had these problem prior to cancer so I guess it is normal, it is a note I will take down to discuss with my doctors, it isn't constant.

I feel a little tired not fatigued yet. I worked out last night and I feel a little weaker then normal, not sure if that is mental or physical. I am a little worried I might hurt myself, needless worries I think. I am determined to keep my guns and my "banana". For those of you who have seen or felt my banana know why it is so important to me!!! ha ha ha

All in all it went well and I am fine!

Thanks for supporting me through all of this

Stand back and watch me shine!

Someone call an exterminator!

Well, tomorrow is the big day! I liken myself to a house that has termites, I have an infestation in the kitchen that as spread a little to the laundry room but so far the rest of the house is clear of any pestilence. So tomorrow the exterminator will be by to spray his poison to kill the nuisance that has taken over. After he kills all the termites a little demolition will have to be done to rid the house of the damage that they caused. Then a few laser beams will be shot around to make sure everything that isn't supposed to be there is dead, once the building inspector is satisfied the house is clean then the rebuild will begin and the kitchen will be better then before, of course, with the help of a very good contractor!

I am actually glad this process is beginning, I can't tell you how much I hate the thought of this poison coursing through my veins. It is against every fiber of my being to put poison into my body. In all honesty, I have never inhaled smoke of any kind (well second hand) into my lungs, I have never taken and illegal drug, I have very limited exposure to narcotics, I have gone 17 years without even taking an antibiotic. Well all that is dramatically going to change, I have to take steroids (in limited doses) I have to take anti nausea medicine and I have to take strong antibiotics all to counteract the side affects of chemotherapy. The drugs that will be given to me are very strong, they will take my hair, lower my blood counts and ravage my immune system. They will also cure me, that is a fair price to pay if you ask me. You see I want to live, my youngest child is 6 and she needs me to walk her through life just like my older children do and I have no intention of letting any of them down. To be honest, I want to live, there is so much out there yet to do.

So tomorrow and every 21 days here on out (through October 23), if you have a free moment in your day, send a positive vibe my way. I am sure I will get them and they will lift me up!

Stand back and watch me shine!

If I Only Had a Heart!

Well it turns out I do! I bet there are some out there who will be surprised at this revaluation but I saw it with my own eyes. Today I had a MUGA Scan to use as a base line so they can see if the chemo has damaged my heart. My heart is pretty strong so I think I will be just fine. I do have one complaint though, I have been injected with more radioactive material in the past few weeks, I refuse to play hide and seek with any of you as you will all have an unfair advantage!

Does this define me?

Being diagnosed with cancer is a wild thing, the first reaction, well at least my first reaction was to think what did I do in my life to have such a horrible thing happen to me? Then I thought, many kids are diagnosed and surely they didn't hurt anyone to deserve such a destiny. So I pretty much put the karma thought out of my head.

As this process goes on I am beginning to think that I am nothing but a cancer patient. This defines me. I hate that but I have come to find that everyone that surrounds me has forgotten that I am a person first and I have other interests, passions and thoughts. I am grateful that everyone is concerned with what is going on with me medically but there is more to me then cancer, have they all ready forgotten the person I used to be, what am I saying the person I still am! I am so relieved that there are a few people in my life that remember Meg, the Meg that is deep down inside below the tumor, the port and the toxic medication, what would I do without the Grasshopper and Mr. Mental Massage. You guys know who you are! I am forever grateful to you.

For those of you who define me by my diagnoses, I still really do appreciate all the love, prayers and positive energy so here is a song that I have always felt was written with me in mind just so you remember who I am!

BITCH

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Please remember this is a process I am going through and I don't mean to offend anyone or lessen their impact on my life and recovery. I just have to express how I feel. Thanks for understanding!